I struggled for a few years to become pregnant with our second child and when I got that positive test, I felt elated. It was at my 18-week ultrasound that I knew something with her development wasn’t going as planned. After a bajillion trips to see specialists and given a 50% survival rate, she was born on September 19th. She came home with us 30 days later having been the star at her NICU stay. The specialists all agreed that she would live a happy and healthy life.
For 9 months and 7 days, Pyper Joon Meeks thrived! The last 3 days of her life she had a stomach bug – or what we thought was a stomach bug. On the morning of June 29th, 2019, I was getting ready to take her to the hospital because she was still ill. Before I could get loaded up, she stopped breathing at home. I called emergency services, but she never breathed again. I was devastated and the grief that I felt then and still feel is unimaginable.
It wasn’t long after her death that the urge to have another child was very strong, but I had a hysterectomy in March 2019. We decided to try surrogacy. We had 2 failed transfers – a successful transfer and a positive pregnancy test. At the 9-week ultrasound/OB appointment, the one where we were to graduate from our fertility clinic, the baby’s heartbeat was not there.
So today, I am drained, financially and emotionally. The truth is I am living in the grief of wanting a baby my body cannot carry. I’m lost in the mist of losing a child that I had prayed so long for and one that I had so much hope tied to. But I do know a few things for sure and they help me keep going – first, humanity is good most of the time and God is good all the time.
* Lorie invites you to join the Facebook page, Flamingos for Infertility. This page was created in honor of Pyper Joon Meeks and offers support and hope to those struggling with child loss and infertility.
